He Knows Us Better

In church on Sunday, one of the speakers said "Heavenly Father knows us better than we even know ourselves". Thinking about that comment made me realize how true that is. I think I know myself pretty well, but Heavenly Father knows me even better. He knows how far I can stretch. He knows exactly what will help me to learn and grow the most. He is all knowing, he knows how to make me a better person. A person worthy of all his gifts. He will never ask me to do something that he knows I cannot do. The key is trusting him enough to accept that fact. To accept that he will send us trails but that we handle them if we turn to him. I'm so grateful for an all knowing Father in Heaven who knows me better than I know myself.

What love is all about

To complete my theme on "How can I help", I have to talk about my husband. I have been blessed with the most supportive husband ever. He hasn't judged me once with all I have gone through. He hasn't complained when I'm having a hard time. When I'm talking nonsense, he still listens quietly and lets my say what I have to say. He has hidden notes for me reminding me how much he loves me. He has brought me home flowers and chocolates.

He was willing to call and scheduled an appointment with a counselor for me because he knew I wouldn't do it on my own. He went with me to that first appointment and helped me explain what was going on. Then when I was sent to a new doctor, he went with me again to help me explain better. He's given me priesthood blessings when I needed them most. He's been there when I've cried because it's just too hard. He's done laundry for me, cooked, cleaned, taken care of boys, done everything I needed him to do. He is a HUGE blessing in my life and I honestly don't know where I would be without him.

When he is away I miss him even more. There is an empty spot in my heart when he leaves for trips, but it's a good thing because it reminds me of how much he really does to help me and buoy me up. I love him with all my heart! He shows me every day what love is all about.

Supportive Family

Recently I sent an email out to my extended family, sharing with them what I have been struggling with. The love and support that I felt from them in their responses was priceless. I'm so grateful we have family to help us through our trials.  Family has helped me through this in so many ways. Here are just a few:

• Sent letters encouraging me to keep going
• Gave me a quote for my wall "Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"
• Sent texts asking how I was doing
• Sent texts that made me laugh (my brothers are especially great at that)
• Emails that came just when I've needed them, even if they were small and simple messages, some have been tender mercies from the Lord
• Responded to my long, hard to read through emails
• Tried to understand even though they haven't felt the same way before
• Understood because they've been through it too
• Read books to help them understand better what I was going through
• Given powerful priesthood blessings
• Called me to just say hi and see how I'm doing
• Called me because they knew I was having a bad day
• Told me I can call them anytime
• Reminded me over and over that they love me no matter what
• Dragged me (almost kicking and screaming) to a counselor
• Listened when I needed it most

All the little things my family has done help so much. I love them so much and am so blessed to have each one of them in my life.

True Friendship

The theme I've been focusing on, "How Can I Help" wouldn't be complete without mentioning a wonderful friendship that has come from this trial. We were already friends before, we had been swapping date night babysitting for a year. However, this trial has made our friendship even stronger.

I will never forget the day I shared with my friend that I was struggling with depression. She was so understanding about all I was going through. She didn't hesitate a moment to help me. She has been a true example to me of Christ-like love. There have been so many times she has come to my rescue. I've shared a lot with her of what goes through my mind and yet she still doesn't judge me and she  keeps on being my cheerleader through it all. "You got this" is my favorite catch phrase she says to cheer me along. I have sent her countless emails that she replies to with words of encouragement, reminders of the power of our Savior and the strength that comes from Him, and lots of great advice to help me out. She has knocked at my door multiple times to be my "distraction" for a little bit. I have so many memories of things she has done to help me that it would take multiple posts to cover them all. She has helped to lift this trial in my life so it's not so heavy.

I know she doesn't want to be in the spot light so I won't go on too much longer, but I have to share one of my most cherished memories. On one particular hard day, my husband was trying to decide whether he should go to work or not because of how I was that day. She called me that morning and I answered in tears. After some coordinating she decided to come over to my house. She arrived at my house shortly after with her makeup in her hands because she was not wanting to leave me alone for too long. We went to the library together. Then her wonderful husband watched the kids while we went to lunch, helped set things up for a Relief Society activity, and did some grocery shopping together. I will never forget that day and the true friend she was and still is today.

This post wouldn't be complete without a little shout out to her husband. That day she and I went and spent time together, not only did he watch the kids but he fed them lunch and even got my Kindergartner on the bus. He too has been a blessing through this trial. He's helped my husband give me blessings, he's watched kids while my friend and I went to lunch, he's helped in so many ways. I am so grateful for him.

To me this is what friendship is all about and I don't know what I do without this friend in my life. Thank you so much friend!!!

Unexpected Friendship

Friendship can come from all different avenues. I will forever be grateful for one friend who introduced me to a new friend. A friend who has helped me in so many ways, even though we live five hours apart and have only met each other once, and briefly at that. She has shared with me some very touching experiences she has had in her life. Experiences that shed a whole new light on the struggles I have been going through. She has listened to me and then given me advice to help me through. She is one amazing woman and I'm so grateful for her influence in my life. I'm so amazed at all she is able to accomplish and still have room to talk to me. I can't wait to get to know her a little better.

As I've thought more about the people who have stepped into my life recently and helped me so much, I've realized how truly blessed I am. The friendships I'm building are priceless. It's amazing to see how trials and service can bring us closer to each other.

So here is my challenge to you, next time you are given an opportunity to serve, even a friend of a friend, don't hesitate. You never know what friendships may come of your service.

Visiting Teachers

Two of the best visiting teachers have weaved their way into my life as a result of what I have been going through. I am so grateful for both of them. It was so hard for me to share with them how rough my life has been for the past while. Yet, from the moment I told them they have been a huge blessing. They have invited me to the park on my bad days. They have brought me little treats to let me know they're thinking about me. They have been so willing to watch my boys during visits with my counselor and doctor. To me they are exactly what a visiting teacher is all about. Even now, when they are no longer my visiting teachers (sniffle) I still feel their love. Thanks so much Kristin and Heidi!

How Can I Help?

One of the questions I receive a lot (my husband gets it too) is "How can I help?". I think we all ask this question a lot. That goes right along with the general comment you hear of "Let me know if you need anything". As I've thought about those two statements, I've realized people really do want to help but they don't know what they can do. So, here if a list of suggestions for all of you. If you know someone struggling with bipolar or depression, here are some things you can do to help:

• Pray. It sounds so simple and easy, but it helps.
• Follow the promptings you receive. Today in conference, President Monson said we should act on promptings immediately. Do not postpone any promptings you receive. I can't emphasize that enough. 
• Mail a letter or a card
• Don't be afraid to make a phone call
• Send an email saying you're thinking about them
• Text the person just to say hi
• One big secret, when I'm feeling down, I'm not going to call someone just to talk, it's too hard. So, saying, "let me know if I can help" just doesn't work cause I'm not going to ask for help. I'm pretty sure the same goes for lots of people in my situation.

I'm sure there are many more ways you can help, but when it really comes down to it, the best thing you can do is act on the promptings you receive. Heavenly Father knows the needs of all of us better than we know, he will guide us to ways to help those in need.

On another note, feel free to share my blog with others or even on Facebook. My goal with this blog is to help others who are dealing with bipolar disorder in their family and to hopefully add some spiritual views to what I have learned in this journey.

The Alma Challenge

A friend has challenged me to read the book of Alma and find all the times the Lord has delivered his followers out of bondage. I decided to take her up on that challenge and I have been blown away by all the Lord has done for those who obey his commandments. I have always thought as Alma as the war chapters, because there are so many battles in that book. Yes, there are many, many times the gospel has been preached in the book of Alma but in the past when I've thought of Alma, I've thought about all the battles. This challenge has changed my view of Alma, Alma is full of the love of God and his desire to deliver his righteous believers. It is the perfect reminder of the grace and mercy he offers to all his righteous followers.

Grace & Mercy

In Alma 5:48, it reads "I know that Jesus Christ shall come, yea, the Son, the Only Begotten of the Father, full of grace, and mercy, and truth.". Thinking about those words made me wonder, what is the difference between "grace" and "mercy".

The Bible Dictionary says of grace "The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ....grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts."

Mercy, according to the Guide to the Scriptures, is "the spirit of compassion, tenderness, and forgiveness. Mercy is one of the attributes of God. Jesus Christ offers mercy to us through his atoning sacrifice."

To me this means that "grace" gives the Lord the ability to fill in the gaps where we falter. Mercy is the compassion that makes him want to fill in that gap. I love where it says that Christ will step in after we have expended our own best efforts.

As I thought about both of these I realized how much grace and mercy has applied in my life, and how much more I can apply it to my life. Most importantly the idea that all I am expected to do is my very best, no more, no less.  Just my best, that doesn't mean perfect, that means my very best. "It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Ne. 25:23).

Just as in my last post about fighting a good warfare, we aren't expected to win the whole war, just to put up our best fight. Christ will win the war for us, but we have to be the best soldiers we can be. We have to use the weapons he has given us to fight that war in the best way we can.

The end of Alma 1:27 says "they did all labor, every man according to his strength". This goes along with the whole theme of grace. We are only were expected to labor according to their strength. I love this idea!

Our Savior truly is full of grace and mercy!

100s List

Recently I put together a list of 100 reasons to keep going. It has been a great resource for me to read on my down days. Whenever I read through it, I am reminded of the more than 100 reasons I have that make life great. I had a few other people contribute to my list and all of their ideas provided views that I couldn't see on my own. Originally my goal was to reach 100 reasons, by the time I was done I couldn't stop at 100, I kept going. There are hundreds of reasons to never give up. When I finished my list I laminated it and I keep it where I can get to it on my rough days.

As I've thought about it, I think a list of 100 reasons to never give up is a great idea for everyone. In Alma 1:1, it mentions the death of King Mosiah. It says "king Mosiah having gone the way of all the earth, having warred a good warfare". Warred a good warfare really sticks out to me. Am I fighting a good battle? Am I on the Lords side in this battle? To me, the list of 100 reasons is part of my arsenal of weapons to keep fighting a good warfare. Once I know why it's easier to figure out the how. I think it is helpful for all of us to write down the reasons we should keep fighting like king Mosiah fought.

You'll Never Walk Alone

Recently I was reminded of the song You'll Never Walk Alone from the musical "Carousel". I love the words of inspiration found in that song:

When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

If we keep walking on, holding our chins up, we won't walk alone. Even during our hardest times, if we have hope and faith, we will see light at the end. After the storm, comes the sunshine. If we can ENDURE through the storm then we will see the sunshine at the end. 

Don't let failure nag you!

This week, as I walked to the mailbox, I kept thinking about everything I failed to do over the summer. The summer came and went and I felt like I missed out on so many chances to teach my boys. School is back in session and I won't get this summer back. I felt like a failure.

As I opened up the mailbox, I found a letter from the Relief Society presidency, wishing me a happy birthday. In the envelope was a quote, which really stood out to me. I glanced at the quote and the 3rd line seemed to be all I saw. That line said "I hope that you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure...". Those words that stuck out to me were from President Hinckley. I think that was a tender mercy from the Lord reminding me that I don't have to be perfect. Also reminding me that I need to stop nagging myself about being a failure. I need to accept that I did my best and try to do better in the future.

Here is the quote in full "I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope that you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure...I hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so you will witness miracles come to pass" -President Gordon B. Hinckley

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide

My husband and I have read several books about depression and bipolar in hopes of figuring out the best ways to help me. The book I have loved the most and highly recommend is "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know".

This book is full of great information on what bipolar is; how to recognize signs of mania or depression; medication information, and so many other great resources. I have learned more from this book than any of the other books I have read on bipolar. It has been an excellent guide on how to get through this battle and make life a little more doable.

Mood Tracking

Tracking my mood has been a HUGE help to me. I highly recommend to anyone struggling with depression, bipolar, or other mental health issues to start tracking your moods. You have to be honest in this process. Mood tracking has been a great way for me to figure out some of the things that trigger my ups and my downs.

I have tried a few different methods of tracking my moods, by far the most helpful is a mood chart that tracks medications, sleeps, daily events, and moods. Here is a link to that chart:

http://www.manicdepressive.org/moodchart.html

It has been a great tool to be able to look back on and see where I've been. Now I can look at where I've been and hope that I will continue to improve from there.

Modern Medicine

One of my loves is family history research. While researching I came across a cousin of my great-grandfather. Her name was Bessie. Everything we had heard about Bessie before then was she had traveled to Europe and while there became ill and passed away. However, I was able to find her death certificate. She died at the age of 36 in the Bloomingdale Hospital in New York, not in Europe. What's more, I researched Bloomingdale Hospital and discovered it was an insane asylum. The asylum was very expensive so only those with money could afford to be there. Her death certificate listed that contributory to her cause of death was "dementia praecox" which is Schizophrenia.

From what I gather out of all this is, Bessie had Schizophrenia. Her parents loved her so much they sent her to the best asylum they could to help her. However, they didn't want to let others know what was going on so they told others she was in Europe studying music.

Thinking about Bessie, I started to apply her situation to myself. Doing so made me so grateful for modern medicine. Because of modern medicine, I can take a few pills and feel ok again. I don't have to leave my family for years to work through my mental health problems.

I'm also very grateful for the world we live in today that is becoming more accepting of the idea that mental health issues are real. They are not something made up in the minds of those who suffer from them.

I guess it could be a whole lot worse....

Guilt or Repentance

In Sunday School, someone posed the question "Do I live my life by guilt or by repentance?" How would I answer that question, how would each of us answer that question? One thing that I know has contributed to my struggles is the expectation I have of myself to be PERFECT! I am the first to admit that I am a perfectionist. I have always wanted to see myself as perfect and for others to see me as perfect. When I fall short of that goal, I beat myself up over it.

Over the past few months, I have discovered that I was trying my hardest to be perfect on my own. When I did make mistakes I felt huge guilt, even over the smallest things. I always have known I can turn to the savior for the BIG mistakes, you know the ones that everyone knows are really bad. However, on all the others, I have spent too much time beating myself up over those mistakes. In reality I was living "my life by guilt" NOT "by repentance". The past few months I have really learned the importance of turning to our Savior to repent. There is no need for me to spend my days feeling guilty about all my mistakes, large or small. Instead I should focus more on repenting and learning from my mistakes.

Unique Temptations

Recently in Sunday School, someone suggested that we all have our own temptations. Those temptations are as unique as we are and are tailored to our specific weaknesses. I truly believe that. I believe that Satan knows our weaknesses and the best way to tempt us. He knows that he will never get me to smoke a cigarette, that just won't happen. He knows there is no reason to tempt me with that because that is not my weakness. However I firmly believe he is taking full advantage of the chemical problems going on in my brain. He knows they are my weakness and he is trying his hardest to customize his temptations for me.

In Ether 12:27 it says:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weaknesses. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

So the cool part in all this is even though Satan knows our weaknesses and tailors our temptations to them, the Lord has power to fix that! If we humble ourselves and have faith, He can take those weaknesses and make them stronger. He can make those weaknesses become stronger so that Satan cannot easily tempt us because of those weaknesses. All the more reason to turn to our Heavenly Father and our Savior when the worst temptations and trials come along.

Become a Pioneer

pi-o-neer:
1. A person who is among the first to explore or settle a new country or area

2. A person who is among the first to research and develop a new area of knowledge or activity

Being that Pioneer Day is this coming week, the talks in church today were on pioneers. As I sat and listened to those talks, I realized that all of us can be pioneers in our own lives and families. There is something every one of us can contribute to our families that makes us a pioneer. Thinking about that today helped me understand, that through this blog and through my having bipolar, I have a great opportunity to be a pioneer to myself, my family, and hopefully others. I am learning so many new things through this trial in my life and I have loved the opportunity to share them with family and friends. In some ways I feel like I'm paving the way for others, perhaps my own children. I pray that none of my children or descendants ever face the struggles that having bipolar can bring. However, bipolar is hereditary. While I can't prevent them from facing this in their own lives, I can be a "pioneer" in my family in helping them to understand bipolar and how to keep fighting.

Also, while I pondered on pioneers, I realized that Christ is the greatest pioneer of us all.  He has done everything for us, He has paved the way for us to follow. His perfect example directs us on the path to return to our Father in Heaven. His atonement gives us the power to get back on that path when we fall off. His resurrection guarantees that all of us will also be resurrected. I can think of no better "pioneer" in my life. I am so grateful for the great pioneer that our Savior is to all of us.

Courage to Accept

In a recent Sacrament meeting we sang As Now we take the Sacrament. The words "and silently we pray for courage to accept thy will" really stuck out to me. I have really struggled with accepting that what I have is bipolar. I have tried to convince myself and others that this is anything but bipolar. However, in reality deep inside I know that all the evidence points to that diagnosis. That doesn't make it easy to swallow. As I pondered on the words in that song I realized that I need to pray more to have the COURAGE to accept that what I am going through is what Heavenly Father wants. I need to accept that He is using this to refine me and make me stronger, but it is still so hard to accept. Accepting all of this takes a huge amount of COURAGE on my part.

• Courage to accept that maybe I'm not as perfect as I want to be 
• Courage to accept that I am not as perfect as everyone thinks I am
• Courage to accept that I cannot control everything that goes on with me
• Courage to accept Heavenly Father's way of helping us to grow
• Courage to accept what my doctor says I need to be doing
• Courage to accept that I really cannot do this on my own

When it comes down to it, life requires courage. The best way to gain that courage is through prayer.

It's a Team Sport

Life is not an individual sporting event, it's a not a race to see how fast you can go on your own. Life was never intended to be done by one person alone. From the beginning of time the Lord knew it was not good for man to be alone.  We cannot make it through life without the help of others. That fact has REALLY hit me lately. I really can't do this all alone, especially on those days when all I want is to be left alone. Heavenly Father has blessed us with family and friends to help pull us through the tough times. At the same time, we can bless others through their tough times as well. Life is without question a TEAM SPORT. We all have to work together to make it through.

As I thought about that concept I realized that Heavenly Father has blessed us with some fabulous teammates. I have my entire family I can turn to in a heart beat and any one of them would be there to help me with whatever I need most. I also have so many friends and amazing visiting teachers that are also more than willing to help me through this. I am SO grateful Heavenly Father gave us each other to help us through.

One thing I have felt is integral in fighting through this battle with bipolar is to build a "support team" of 2-3 people. I originally started out with two people, my wonderful husband and an amazing sister-in-law (AKA sister). I knew I could turn to them at any time. They encouraged me to start seeing a counselor, they listened to everything I had to say, they gave advice they felt would help me the most. Then after a few months Heavenly Father blessed me with another incredible friend to add to my "support team". All of them have helped me to see that I am still loved, that I really can pull through. They tell me "you got this".  They keep reminding me that yes, I really do need to keep taking the meds, even when I don't think I need them anymore. They have laughed at/with me on my super great days and they've been there with me during my worst moments. I NEVER could have pulled through this without them.

The most important member of my support team is our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him on my side, the fight becomes much more bearable. When I think of all He has done for me, I begin to realize that if He could keep going then I can do it too. I know He knows how I feel inside. He has provided me comfort and peace when I've needed it most. I owe everything to Him.

We are all so blessed to have so many teammates to help us through life. That alone shows me how much Heavenly Father loves us, He didn't send us here all alone.

Be Honest and Open

The first day my husband dragged me to see a counselor, I was so nervous and didn't know how I could possibly tell her what had been running through my mind.  It was hard enough to tell my husband, how could I ever tell a stranger about all that? However, the more I visited with her, the more I realized that she really could help me. Talking to a counselor has been so helpful and I have learned many new things about myself and how to be a better person.

I have found two things that are so important when visiting with my counselor and psychiatrist: Be honest and be open. My counselor and my doctor are there to help me get better. The best way for them to help me is if I tell them what I am thinking and how I am feeling.  Hiding things from them only makes the process harder and longer. They are both here to help me and are on my side...even when I think everyone is against me. They really do want to help, but they can only work with what they are given.

They will still love you...

Throughout my life, as I struggled with the negative thoughts that went through my mind, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about them. I was afraid everyone would be disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself for those thoughts.

Over the past year and a half, as things started getting worse, I finally decided I needed to face my fears and tell my husband what was going on. I had kept everything bottled up inside me for so long, it was hard to finally open up and share with him the thoughts and feelings I had running through my mind. That huge fear of disappointment loomed over me. However, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband how I was feeling inside. The amazing part was, after I told him, HE STILL LOVED ME!! in fact, he loved me more than he ever did before.

The greatest part of all this is that since that day, the lines of communication have opened up more than ever before. I don't feel like I need to hide from him all the crazy thoughts that go through my mind. We talk about so many more things then we ever could before. It has been such a huge blessing.

I have been blessed with the most amazing, understanding husband. He has stood by me through this entire trial. He has listened intently to all the thoughts I have shared with him. He has put up with my bad days, laughed with me through my crazy days, and loved me through all of it. I never could have fought this battle without him. My love for him has grown by leaps and bounds since I stopped hiding this from him.

When I look back on it, I don't understand why I was worried about disappointing others. I would never be disappointed to hear one of my family members tell me about the negative thoughts they struggle with. NEVER! I would only love them more. It's amazing how the mind can convince us of things that aren't really true.

The Lord's Time

While at the temple, I was thinking that our time and God's time are very different. What is years in our time is only hours in God's time (or something like that, I'm not sure on the exact conversion but you get my point). As I thought about that, it suddenly hit me that I can do anything for a little while. I'm only on this Earth for a very short period of time in God's time. I want this to end on His terms, not mine. I don't want to get up there after 30 minutes and regret coming so soon. I want to come when Lord says I should come and have no regrets. I don't want to say "Oh, I could have lasted longer, why did I quit".

As Joseph Smith was imprisoned in the Liberty Jail, he wondered if God had forgotten him. Heavenly Father's response was "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment". This scripture reminds us all that everything we go through on this earth is a "small moment" in God's time. We can make it through that "small moment" if we keep an eternal perspective.

Quest for Perfection

Those who know me, know I am a perfectionist. They know that I want to appear perfect (my version of perfect) to everyone. A friend lovingly suggested that pride was a part of that quest for perfection. Her gentle suggestion reminded me of the scripture in Proverbs that says "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall". Pride has been a huge impact on all of my struggles and has caused some of this trial to come upon me. I'm beginning to realize that my quest for perfection is pride because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to be perfect for my parents, siblings, friends, everyone but our Heavenly Father. I've been served a gigantic piece of humble pie. As I've been reading "Believing Christ" I've also realized that I've been convinced my whole life that I could be perfect on my own. I never would have grasped that without this trial. I needed this trial to humble me and make me realize that it is impossible for me to be perfect on my own. I need the Savior in my life, I need to be humble, I need to repent of my pride and MANY other short comings. I need to have faith in Him and more fully dedicate myself to Him. Granted I've still got a LONG way to go in all this. I can't change overnight but I think recognizing all of this is the first step.

In the last general conference, President Uchtdorf said we need to "see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine". I think I can apply that to others as well as myself. I need to see MYSELF the way Heavenly Father sees me. He knows I am imperfect and yet He continues to love me.

The Savior Understands

One particular night, I needed some time alone. I went to the temple parking lot and sat in my car for a long time. I said lots of prayers and I read scriptures and I cried. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I can get to know my Savior well enough that I can lean on him. He's who will pull me through this. I sat in the car reading the accounts of his last days in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. As I was reading and praying I could feel such peace and calm. One part that really hit me was in Matthew 26:38. It says "Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death". Right there it teaches that Christ knows how I feel, he was full of so much sorrow, even unto death. He knows how I feel. The scriptures couldn't make that any more clear. In verse 39, the Savior asks the Lord to let this cup pass from him but says he is willing to do the will of the Lord. It made me realize that if Christ can feel such sorrow, sorrow beyond what I have ever felt, and he can keep going, then I can do it too. He could have ended it all there, He had the power to do so, but he didn't quit. Even after the suffering in the garden was over, His suffering and pain didn't stop. Fortunately I'm not being asked to do the same. That night was really awesome because I felt like I'm one step closer to figuring out how to lean on our Savior during my best times AND during my worst times. I'm still not all the way there, but I'm getting there.

Peace at the Temple

Several months back my friend invited me to join her for the 5:15am temple session. She had been attending the session twice a month and encouraged me to do the same.  At first I thought there was no way I could wake up and be to the temple that early and even if I could I would fall asleep. I decided to give it a go, and honestly I was nervous to be there. I had really been struggling and was afraid I would panic while I was there. However, having a friend to go with gave me the encouragement and support I needed.

As I sat through that early morning session, not only was I more awake than any other session I had been to, but I felt a peace come over me that gave me comfort and pushed away all the things I had been struggling with. For that time in the temple, I was able to step away from all the thoughts that I battle daily, and have a short break from them. What a blessing!!  I know that the temple can provide great peace during the hard times that bipolar can bring into our lives. I'm so grateful I have one so near to my home.

I have gone back to the 5:15 session several times since then and every time I have felt that same peace come over me. The temple is a holy place that can provide relief from the daily temptations and trials we face. What a wonderful blessing temples can be!

Pray Vocally

Some days my thoughts just race. I feel like my head is spinning with a hundred different thoughts at once. One thing I have tried to help calm me down is prayer. It helped some but my mind still raced through the thoughts. During one of these moments I felt impressed to pray out loud. As I followed through on that prompting my thoughts immediately slowed down and I was able to focus on the words I was saying to my Heavenly Father. I felt close to him and knew he was listening. What a blessing prayer can be!

Which Part Is Mine

One of my favorite songs has always been "Which Part is Mine" by Michael McLean. In the song a mother asks the Lord "Which part is mine?". I have wondered that so many times in my life.  How much am I expected to do myself and at what point have I done my best? I have found the best way to get an answer to this question is through prayer. I can't do everything that's why I have a Savior to step in where I can't do it all. The song ends with the mother receiving an answer to her prayers. She can feel the spirit telling her that Heavenly Father has heard her prayers. The song says "After I've done my best, I know you'll do the rest".  When it all comes down to it the prayer and inspiration from the Lord are the best way to know when we've done enough.  We do our best then he'll do the rest!!

The Spirit is Ready

In Mark 14:38 it reads "The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak". In my struggle with bipolar depression I have learned over and over how true this scripture really is. My spirit is ready to listen and to grow. It wants to feast upon the words of Christ. It is only my flesh that is weak. I may not have full control over what happens with my physical body but I do have full control over my spirit. It can be as strong or as weak as I want it to be. I can nourish and strengthen my spirit all that I want. I can't stop my body from all physical ailments, it is only a temporal body. My spirit is eternal. "The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak" has become my personal motto through this trial and is the reason I gave my blog this name.

I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has given me strength to make it through this trial. My faith has pulled me through my darkest hours.