He Does Listen

A few days ago I was seriously struggling. My thoughts and feelings were getting out of control and I knew I needed help. At that point I started praying that Heavenly Father would send me someone to help. A text or phone call from someone or a surprise visit. Anything. I knew he had the ability to inspire someone to help. I prayed and continued to have to fight and the way I could see it, my prayer was never answered. Nobody ever came to help. It frustrated me and made me feel like Heavenly Father abandoned me at my hour of most need. Why would he leave me alone like that? I talked to a friend and she said he was with me and I wasn't alone. I didn't believe her. All I knew was I went through a lot and felt so alone. 

Tonight I've been thinking and praying about that experience. While praying it suddenly hit me that he did answer my prayer, just not in the way I thought he would. He didn't send me a friend or family member. He was there instead. As I thought about that I felt peace. He really was there. He was the reason I was able to get back up again and recover. I would have been lost if he weren't there. My friend was right, he was with me, I just needed to figure that out for myself. 

Out of Love

It seems to me that I'm being reminded a lot that "we're doing this out of love". I think it's a phrase I need to learn to accept. I'm pushed a little harder to take new medications....out of love. I'm encouraged to keep going...out of love. I'm persuaded to talk to my doctor...again...out of love. So many things have happened that all remind me how much others love me and care. Yes, there are some days that I think the last reason someone is pushing me along is out of love. How could someone who loves me encourage me to do something that seems near impossible? How could they encourage me to do something when they don't understand how I feel at all. But in reality, when I step back and look, they are truly cheering me on. They can see things from a different point of view. They love me and know what I can become and they know I can conquer this. I just need to remember that it's all out of love. I need to be patient when my friend reminds me to fight back. I need to be patient when my doctor suggests a new medication to try. I need to be patient when my husband asks how I'm really doing then gives me the look because he already knows. They aren't conspiring against me...even though some days it really feels like it...in reality they love me and they want to help me.

I think our Heavenly Father is the same way. Everything He does for us is out of love. Everything He expects of us is out of love. He sees who we can become. He knows where we have been and He knows where we are going. He knows our potential. He understands how we feel and yet he still sees our potential. He loves us so much that He gives us trials, to help us grow and...because He loves us!

You can do it!

Recently I received a new calling. It's a busy one that will push me outside my comfort zone. The amazing part about this calling is that Heavenly Father has blessed me with a sure knowledge that I can do this calling and that he wants me in this calling. Honestly with how bad some days are it is a wonder to me that I can do anything, let alone take on new responsibilities. Many days I feel like I fail at the responsibilities that I already have, let alone new ones. Heavenly Father knows me so well that he knew I would question some days if I can really do all that is expected of me. He blessed me with a huge tender mercy when, after a very special experience, he left me with a knowledge that he has confidence in me and in what I can accomplish. He trusts me and won't ask me to do more than is possible. It's already not been easy. There have been days when I've needed to get things done and I've had a hard time getting myself to do them. There have been days when I have felt completely overwhelmed with everything in life. However, somehow I've managed to keep going and to do what I've been asked to do. I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows how to lift and strengthen us! A Heavenly Father who reminds me "you can do it"!

He Knows Us Better

In church on Sunday, one of the speakers said "Heavenly Father knows us better than we even know ourselves". Thinking about that comment made me realize how true that is. I think I know myself pretty well, but Heavenly Father knows me even better. He knows how far I can stretch. He knows exactly what will help me to learn and grow the most. He is all knowing, he knows how to make me a better person. A person worthy of all his gifts. He will never ask me to do something that he knows I cannot do. The key is trusting him enough to accept that fact. To accept that he will send us trails but that we handle them if we turn to him. I'm so grateful for an all knowing Father in Heaven who knows me better than I know myself.

Unique Temptations

Recently in Sunday School, someone suggested that we all have our own temptations. Those temptations are as unique as we are and are tailored to our specific weaknesses. I truly believe that. I believe that Satan knows our weaknesses and the best way to tempt us. He knows that he will never get me to smoke a cigarette, that just won't happen. He knows there is no reason to tempt me with that because that is not my weakness. However I firmly believe he is taking full advantage of the chemical problems going on in my brain. He knows they are my weakness and he is trying his hardest to customize his temptations for me.

In Ether 12:27 it says:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weaknesses. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

So the cool part in all this is even though Satan knows our weaknesses and tailors our temptations to them, the Lord has power to fix that! If we humble ourselves and have faith, He can take those weaknesses and make them stronger. He can make those weaknesses become stronger so that Satan cannot easily tempt us because of those weaknesses. All the more reason to turn to our Heavenly Father and our Savior when the worst temptations and trials come along.

Courage to Accept

In a recent Sacrament meeting we sang As Now we take the Sacrament. The words "and silently we pray for courage to accept thy will" really stuck out to me. I have really struggled with accepting that what I have is bipolar. I have tried to convince myself and others that this is anything but bipolar. However, in reality deep inside I know that all the evidence points to that diagnosis. That doesn't make it easy to swallow. As I pondered on the words in that song I realized that I need to pray more to have the COURAGE to accept that what I am going through is what Heavenly Father wants. I need to accept that He is using this to refine me and make me stronger, but it is still so hard to accept. Accepting all of this takes a huge amount of COURAGE on my part.

• Courage to accept that maybe I'm not as perfect as I want to be 
• Courage to accept that I am not as perfect as everyone thinks I am
• Courage to accept that I cannot control everything that goes on with me
• Courage to accept Heavenly Father's way of helping us to grow
• Courage to accept what my doctor says I need to be doing
• Courage to accept that I really cannot do this on my own

When it comes down to it, life requires courage. The best way to gain that courage is through prayer.

It's a Team Sport

Life is not an individual sporting event, it's a not a race to see how fast you can go on your own. Life was never intended to be done by one person alone. From the beginning of time the Lord knew it was not good for man to be alone.  We cannot make it through life without the help of others. That fact has REALLY hit me lately. I really can't do this all alone, especially on those days when all I want is to be left alone. Heavenly Father has blessed us with family and friends to help pull us through the tough times. At the same time, we can bless others through their tough times as well. Life is without question a TEAM SPORT. We all have to work together to make it through.

As I thought about that concept I realized that Heavenly Father has blessed us with some fabulous teammates. I have my entire family I can turn to in a heart beat and any one of them would be there to help me with whatever I need most. I also have so many friends and amazing visiting teachers that are also more than willing to help me through this. I am SO grateful Heavenly Father gave us each other to help us through.

One thing I have felt is integral in fighting through this battle with bipolar is to build a "support team" of 2-3 people. I originally started out with two people, my wonderful husband and an amazing sister-in-law (AKA sister). I knew I could turn to them at any time. They encouraged me to start seeing a counselor, they listened to everything I had to say, they gave advice they felt would help me the most. Then after a few months Heavenly Father blessed me with another incredible friend to add to my "support team". All of them have helped me to see that I am still loved, that I really can pull through. They tell me "you got this".  They keep reminding me that yes, I really do need to keep taking the meds, even when I don't think I need them anymore. They have laughed at/with me on my super great days and they've been there with me during my worst moments. I NEVER could have pulled through this without them.

The most important member of my support team is our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him on my side, the fight becomes much more bearable. When I think of all He has done for me, I begin to realize that if He could keep going then I can do it too. I know He knows how I feel inside. He has provided me comfort and peace when I've needed it most. I owe everything to Him.

We are all so blessed to have so many teammates to help us through life. That alone shows me how much Heavenly Father loves us, He didn't send us here all alone.

The Lord's Time

While at the temple, I was thinking that our time and God's time are very different. What is years in our time is only hours in God's time (or something like that, I'm not sure on the exact conversion but you get my point). As I thought about that, it suddenly hit me that I can do anything for a little while. I'm only on this Earth for a very short period of time in God's time. I want this to end on His terms, not mine. I don't want to get up there after 30 minutes and regret coming so soon. I want to come when Lord says I should come and have no regrets. I don't want to say "Oh, I could have lasted longer, why did I quit".

As Joseph Smith was imprisoned in the Liberty Jail, he wondered if God had forgotten him. Heavenly Father's response was "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment". This scripture reminds us all that everything we go through on this earth is a "small moment" in God's time. We can make it through that "small moment" if we keep an eternal perspective.