They will still love you...

Throughout my life, as I struggled with the negative thoughts that went through my mind, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about them. I was afraid everyone would be disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself for those thoughts.

Over the past year and a half, as things started getting worse, I finally decided I needed to face my fears and tell my husband what was going on. I had kept everything bottled up inside me for so long, it was hard to finally open up and share with him the thoughts and feelings I had running through my mind. That huge fear of disappointment loomed over me. However, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband how I was feeling inside. The amazing part was, after I told him, HE STILL LOVED ME!! in fact, he loved me more than he ever did before.

The greatest part of all this is that since that day, the lines of communication have opened up more than ever before. I don't feel like I need to hide from him all the crazy thoughts that go through my mind. We talk about so many more things then we ever could before. It has been such a huge blessing.

I have been blessed with the most amazing, understanding husband. He has stood by me through this entire trial. He has listened intently to all the thoughts I have shared with him. He has put up with my bad days, laughed with me through my crazy days, and loved me through all of it. I never could have fought this battle without him. My love for him has grown by leaps and bounds since I stopped hiding this from him.

When I look back on it, I don't understand why I was worried about disappointing others. I would never be disappointed to hear one of my family members tell me about the negative thoughts they struggle with. NEVER! I would only love them more. It's amazing how the mind can convince us of things that aren't really true.

The Lord's Time

While at the temple, I was thinking that our time and God's time are very different. What is years in our time is only hours in God's time (or something like that, I'm not sure on the exact conversion but you get my point). As I thought about that, it suddenly hit me that I can do anything for a little while. I'm only on this Earth for a very short period of time in God's time. I want this to end on His terms, not mine. I don't want to get up there after 30 minutes and regret coming so soon. I want to come when Lord says I should come and have no regrets. I don't want to say "Oh, I could have lasted longer, why did I quit".

As Joseph Smith was imprisoned in the Liberty Jail, he wondered if God had forgotten him. Heavenly Father's response was "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment". This scripture reminds us all that everything we go through on this earth is a "small moment" in God's time. We can make it through that "small moment" if we keep an eternal perspective.

Quest for Perfection

Those who know me, know I am a perfectionist. They know that I want to appear perfect (my version of perfect) to everyone. A friend lovingly suggested that pride was a part of that quest for perfection. Her gentle suggestion reminded me of the scripture in Proverbs that says "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall". Pride has been a huge impact on all of my struggles and has caused some of this trial to come upon me. I'm beginning to realize that my quest for perfection is pride because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to be perfect for my parents, siblings, friends, everyone but our Heavenly Father. I've been served a gigantic piece of humble pie. As I've been reading "Believing Christ" I've also realized that I've been convinced my whole life that I could be perfect on my own. I never would have grasped that without this trial. I needed this trial to humble me and make me realize that it is impossible for me to be perfect on my own. I need the Savior in my life, I need to be humble, I need to repent of my pride and MANY other short comings. I need to have faith in Him and more fully dedicate myself to Him. Granted I've still got a LONG way to go in all this. I can't change overnight but I think recognizing all of this is the first step.

In the last general conference, President Uchtdorf said we need to "see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine". I think I can apply that to others as well as myself. I need to see MYSELF the way Heavenly Father sees me. He knows I am imperfect and yet He continues to love me.