Become a Pioneer

pi-o-neer:
1. A person who is among the first to explore or settle a new country or area

2. A person who is among the first to research and develop a new area of knowledge or activity

Being that Pioneer Day is this coming week, the talks in church today were on pioneers. As I sat and listened to those talks, I realized that all of us can be pioneers in our own lives and families. There is something every one of us can contribute to our families that makes us a pioneer. Thinking about that today helped me understand, that through this blog and through my having bipolar, I have a great opportunity to be a pioneer to myself, my family, and hopefully others. I am learning so many new things through this trial in my life and I have loved the opportunity to share them with family and friends. In some ways I feel like I'm paving the way for others, perhaps my own children. I pray that none of my children or descendants ever face the struggles that having bipolar can bring. However, bipolar is hereditary. While I can't prevent them from facing this in their own lives, I can be a "pioneer" in my family in helping them to understand bipolar and how to keep fighting.

Also, while I pondered on pioneers, I realized that Christ is the greatest pioneer of us all.  He has done everything for us, He has paved the way for us to follow. His perfect example directs us on the path to return to our Father in Heaven. His atonement gives us the power to get back on that path when we fall off. His resurrection guarantees that all of us will also be resurrected. I can think of no better "pioneer" in my life. I am so grateful for the great pioneer that our Savior is to all of us.

Courage to Accept

In a recent Sacrament meeting we sang As Now we take the Sacrament. The words "and silently we pray for courage to accept thy will" really stuck out to me. I have really struggled with accepting that what I have is bipolar. I have tried to convince myself and others that this is anything but bipolar. However, in reality deep inside I know that all the evidence points to that diagnosis. That doesn't make it easy to swallow. As I pondered on the words in that song I realized that I need to pray more to have the COURAGE to accept that what I am going through is what Heavenly Father wants. I need to accept that He is using this to refine me and make me stronger, but it is still so hard to accept. Accepting all of this takes a huge amount of COURAGE on my part.

• Courage to accept that maybe I'm not as perfect as I want to be 
• Courage to accept that I am not as perfect as everyone thinks I am
• Courage to accept that I cannot control everything that goes on with me
• Courage to accept Heavenly Father's way of helping us to grow
• Courage to accept what my doctor says I need to be doing
• Courage to accept that I really cannot do this on my own

When it comes down to it, life requires courage. The best way to gain that courage is through prayer.

It's a Team Sport

Life is not an individual sporting event, it's a not a race to see how fast you can go on your own. Life was never intended to be done by one person alone. From the beginning of time the Lord knew it was not good for man to be alone.  We cannot make it through life without the help of others. That fact has REALLY hit me lately. I really can't do this all alone, especially on those days when all I want is to be left alone. Heavenly Father has blessed us with family and friends to help pull us through the tough times. At the same time, we can bless others through their tough times as well. Life is without question a TEAM SPORT. We all have to work together to make it through.

As I thought about that concept I realized that Heavenly Father has blessed us with some fabulous teammates. I have my entire family I can turn to in a heart beat and any one of them would be there to help me with whatever I need most. I also have so many friends and amazing visiting teachers that are also more than willing to help me through this. I am SO grateful Heavenly Father gave us each other to help us through.

One thing I have felt is integral in fighting through this battle with bipolar is to build a "support team" of 2-3 people. I originally started out with two people, my wonderful husband and an amazing sister-in-law (AKA sister). I knew I could turn to them at any time. They encouraged me to start seeing a counselor, they listened to everything I had to say, they gave advice they felt would help me the most. Then after a few months Heavenly Father blessed me with another incredible friend to add to my "support team". All of them have helped me to see that I am still loved, that I really can pull through. They tell me "you got this".  They keep reminding me that yes, I really do need to keep taking the meds, even when I don't think I need them anymore. They have laughed at/with me on my super great days and they've been there with me during my worst moments. I NEVER could have pulled through this without them.

The most important member of my support team is our Savior, Jesus Christ. With Him on my side, the fight becomes much more bearable. When I think of all He has done for me, I begin to realize that if He could keep going then I can do it too. I know He knows how I feel inside. He has provided me comfort and peace when I've needed it most. I owe everything to Him.

We are all so blessed to have so many teammates to help us through life. That alone shows me how much Heavenly Father loves us, He didn't send us here all alone.

Be Honest and Open

The first day my husband dragged me to see a counselor, I was so nervous and didn't know how I could possibly tell her what had been running through my mind.  It was hard enough to tell my husband, how could I ever tell a stranger about all that? However, the more I visited with her, the more I realized that she really could help me. Talking to a counselor has been so helpful and I have learned many new things about myself and how to be a better person.

I have found two things that are so important when visiting with my counselor and psychiatrist: Be honest and be open. My counselor and my doctor are there to help me get better. The best way for them to help me is if I tell them what I am thinking and how I am feeling.  Hiding things from them only makes the process harder and longer. They are both here to help me and are on my side...even when I think everyone is against me. They really do want to help, but they can only work with what they are given.

They will still love you...

Throughout my life, as I struggled with the negative thoughts that went through my mind, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about them. I was afraid everyone would be disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself for those thoughts.

Over the past year and a half, as things started getting worse, I finally decided I needed to face my fears and tell my husband what was going on. I had kept everything bottled up inside me for so long, it was hard to finally open up and share with him the thoughts and feelings I had running through my mind. That huge fear of disappointment loomed over me. However, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband how I was feeling inside. The amazing part was, after I told him, HE STILL LOVED ME!! in fact, he loved me more than he ever did before.

The greatest part of all this is that since that day, the lines of communication have opened up more than ever before. I don't feel like I need to hide from him all the crazy thoughts that go through my mind. We talk about so many more things then we ever could before. It has been such a huge blessing.

I have been blessed with the most amazing, understanding husband. He has stood by me through this entire trial. He has listened intently to all the thoughts I have shared with him. He has put up with my bad days, laughed with me through my crazy days, and loved me through all of it. I never could have fought this battle without him. My love for him has grown by leaps and bounds since I stopped hiding this from him.

When I look back on it, I don't understand why I was worried about disappointing others. I would never be disappointed to hear one of my family members tell me about the negative thoughts they struggle with. NEVER! I would only love them more. It's amazing how the mind can convince us of things that aren't really true.

The Lord's Time

While at the temple, I was thinking that our time and God's time are very different. What is years in our time is only hours in God's time (or something like that, I'm not sure on the exact conversion but you get my point). As I thought about that, it suddenly hit me that I can do anything for a little while. I'm only on this Earth for a very short period of time in God's time. I want this to end on His terms, not mine. I don't want to get up there after 30 minutes and regret coming so soon. I want to come when Lord says I should come and have no regrets. I don't want to say "Oh, I could have lasted longer, why did I quit".

As Joseph Smith was imprisoned in the Liberty Jail, he wondered if God had forgotten him. Heavenly Father's response was "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment". This scripture reminds us all that everything we go through on this earth is a "small moment" in God's time. We can make it through that "small moment" if we keep an eternal perspective.

Quest for Perfection

Those who know me, know I am a perfectionist. They know that I want to appear perfect (my version of perfect) to everyone. A friend lovingly suggested that pride was a part of that quest for perfection. Her gentle suggestion reminded me of the scripture in Proverbs that says "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall". Pride has been a huge impact on all of my struggles and has caused some of this trial to come upon me. I'm beginning to realize that my quest for perfection is pride because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to be perfect for my parents, siblings, friends, everyone but our Heavenly Father. I've been served a gigantic piece of humble pie. As I've been reading "Believing Christ" I've also realized that I've been convinced my whole life that I could be perfect on my own. I never would have grasped that without this trial. I needed this trial to humble me and make me realize that it is impossible for me to be perfect on my own. I need the Savior in my life, I need to be humble, I need to repent of my pride and MANY other short comings. I need to have faith in Him and more fully dedicate myself to Him. Granted I've still got a LONG way to go in all this. I can't change overnight but I think recognizing all of this is the first step.

In the last general conference, President Uchtdorf said we need to "see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine". I think I can apply that to others as well as myself. I need to see MYSELF the way Heavenly Father sees me. He knows I am imperfect and yet He continues to love me.