A Mother's Touch

While reading in "Daughters in My Kingdom" on page 156, there is a quote by Elder M. Russell Ballard. He said "Sisters, we, your brethren, cannot do what you were divinely designated to do from the foundation of the world. We may try, but we cannot ever hope to replicate your unique gifts. There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman."

I've often thought that I can easily be replaced. That my husband can fill in the gaps and I'm not needed. This quote is the perfect reminder to me that my husband cannot do the things I can do. He wouldn't be able to fill in the gaps. Just like if he were gone, there is no way I could fill in the gaps he would leave behind. We each have our specific roles and ways we bless our family and those around us. Heavenly Father designed it that way so we could all learn and grow from each other. There are things my children can only learn from their mother. Try as he might, their dad cannot teach them those things. It's just that mother's touch. 

Lead, Kindly Light

In Relief Society a while back, a sister played "Lead, Kindly Light" on the piano. While she did, I followed along with the words in the hymn book. As I did, the first two lines really touched me:

"Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom; Lead thou me on!

"The night is dark, and I am far from home; Lead thou me on!"

Those lines touched me because I've felt that way before. I've felt the encircling gloom. It's all consuming! It's painful! I've felt that dark night where I may not have been physically away from home but mentally and emotionally I was very far away. That's a lonely, dark night. However as dark as those moments have been, there have been times when I've prayed for guidance and my prayer has been answered in a profound way. Other times have been less profound, but He still answers. At those dark moments the best solution has been to turn to The Lord and say "Lead thou me on!" and He will. He will lead us on in the best possible way for each of us. 

Counsel with the Lord

While studying scriptures, I came across Alma 37:37 which reads "Counsel with The Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good". As I pondered that verse I thought about all the people I've sought counsel with: my husband, family, friends, doctors, counselors and my bishop. Then it hit me, yes they each play an important role in my healing process BUT Heavenly Father plays the biggest role. He is the most important individual to counsel with. I have relied on him for help but now I wonder how much I've done my way verses his way. He knows the best path for healing for me. He knows the whole plan. He's the best person to rely on for guidance and direction.  All the others that are helping me are Heavenly Father's tools. He is the master though, he is in control. If I turn to him for direction, he will help me figure all of this out. The best solution is to counsel with the Lord in everything!

Temptations of the Adversary

In his most recent conference address, Elder Bednar spoke on chastity and he also spoke on the power and desires of Satan. He said "Because a physical body is so central to the Father's plan of happiness and our spiritual development, Lucifer seeks to frustrate our progression by tempting us to use our bodies improperly." I can attest to that statement  and it doesn't apply just to the area of chastity. He wants to see us inflict harm upon our bodies in any way he possibly can. 

That quote really hit me during one particular hard week. I had desires to harm myself. That week, while on a walk, I was really struggling. I turned on Elder Bednar's talk and the quote really hit me. It occurred to me that following through on the thoughts in my mind are exactly what Satan wants me to do. As I realized that, the peace and comfort of the Spirit came over me. I knew that Satan could only get me if I let him. Satan wants me to fail and he's trying his hardest to make that happen. However, Heavenly Father can keep me from failing. 

One of my darkest moments through this trial came when I distanced myself from my Heavenly Father. When I did that He could no longer protect me from the power of the adversary. Satan is out to get all of us. However, if we stay on the Lord's side, Satan will have no power over us. I was so grateful for that little bit of peace and comfort I felt while on my walk. 

Losing Hope

About a month ago my doctor lowered the dosage of one of my medications. We were hoping that would help me no longer need a 2-3 hour nap In the middle of the day. She lowered it on the condition that if some of my other symptoms began to worsen then I would call her. That's when the perfect storm began.

My sleepiness decreased some but shortly after my symptoms worsened. They were mild though and I thought manageable so I never called my doctor. Then a few weeks in a friend shared with me some news that was really hard to take. It had a big impact on all my thoughts. I couldn't quit thinking about that news. That's when the last piece of the perfect storm hit, lack of sleep. My mind was so consumed with this piece of news that I went to bed thinking about it and woke up way too early thinking about it.

After a couple weeks something snapped inside me and I couldn't take it anymore. I lost all hope and my mild symptoms turned into something I could not control. It gave my husband and I a big scare. At that point I lost all hope. I didn't believe that Heavenly Father truly cared anymore. I couldn't understand why He was doing all of this to me. I was angry at His plan for my life. I didn't understand any of it. The anger built up inside me. Eventually I reached a point where I didn't care about anything anymore. I was ready to quit.

After some encouragement and a big scare I finally agreed to call my doctor. After a few days the medication changes started working. That's when I could somewhat see The Lord working in my life to make me understand and see that He really cares and is looking out for me.

I've had a friend who has taken me under her wing. As I shared my story with her she's been such a blessing to help me see that everything will work out. It still won't be the way I want it to be, but it will be ok. I had another friend call me just because she felt like she needed to. After sharing with her she showed up at my door the next day with some delicious fruit. I have another friend who has no idea what is going on in my life. She randomly called me to see if I wanted to go walking with her once a week. Another friend who knew I was struggling called me just to check in on me. Plus I had a chance to talk with my friend who shared the news and that helped immensely. As I look at these friends I realize that all of them are tender mercies from The Lord. I may not like His plan right now, in fact I'm dragging my feet about it, but He is doing his best to show me that He won't leave me alone.

Be Better Today

President Lorenzo Snow once said "Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today"

I think that should be my new motto. I'm a perfectionist. I always want to be perfect at everything I do. What I'm extra perfect at is beating myself up when I'm not perfect. It's something I'm working on improving and I think the above quote is a great reminder to me that I need to take it one day at a time. Perfection occurs over a lifetime, not in a single day.

The Switch

For over 6 months I went to a psychiatrist. My first visit with him started with a visit with a counselor. The counselor asked me all sorts of questions. Then we (I made my husband come with me) waited while the counselor told the psychiatrist what I had told him. That frustrated both of us because we felt like the psychiatrist should have heard first hand what was going on if he really wanted to help solve the problems. We then visited with the psychiatrist for a few minutes, he changed up my meds then we were done. After that, subsequent visits were always less than 5 minutes. He'd ask a few basic questions, adjust meds if needed then I'd be on my way. The longer it went the more frustrating I became.

A tender mercy came into my life when I attended a Relief Society activity on mental health. The teacher was a nurse practitioner who was also LDS. She really knew her stuff. We eventually discovered that she was moving up to our area to start a new practice. That was still several months away but we weren't sure when.

I was getting more frustrated with my doctor. My good friend started pressuring me to find out when the nurse practitioner was moving up. My friend wouldn't let it go. So finally I started trying to figure that out. It took multiple phone calls to finally hunt her down, but I finally did. And am I ever grateful.

On my first appointment she visited with me for almost an hour. She asked all sorts of questions that gave her an idea of how to help me. It was such a blessing. Since then, our visits have been great I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. She has changed my meds and they have helped so much. It's been such a huge blessing. I'm so grateful my friend kept pestering me to get in to see her. Recently I found out there is a 2 1/2 month wait for new patients to get in to see her. What a blessing that a didn't wait!

I really think all of this is a tender mercy from the Lord. Through all of this trial I have seen His hand guiding me so many times. I'm so grateful for that!