They will still love you...

Throughout my life, as I struggled with the negative thoughts that went through my mind, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone about them. I was afraid everyone would be disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself for those thoughts.

Over the past year and a half, as things started getting worse, I finally decided I needed to face my fears and tell my husband what was going on. I had kept everything bottled up inside me for so long, it was hard to finally open up and share with him the thoughts and feelings I had running through my mind. That huge fear of disappointment loomed over me. However, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my husband how I was feeling inside. The amazing part was, after I told him, HE STILL LOVED ME!! in fact, he loved me more than he ever did before.

The greatest part of all this is that since that day, the lines of communication have opened up more than ever before. I don't feel like I need to hide from him all the crazy thoughts that go through my mind. We talk about so many more things then we ever could before. It has been such a huge blessing.

I have been blessed with the most amazing, understanding husband. He has stood by me through this entire trial. He has listened intently to all the thoughts I have shared with him. He has put up with my bad days, laughed with me through my crazy days, and loved me through all of it. I never could have fought this battle without him. My love for him has grown by leaps and bounds since I stopped hiding this from him.

When I look back on it, I don't understand why I was worried about disappointing others. I would never be disappointed to hear one of my family members tell me about the negative thoughts they struggle with. NEVER! I would only love them more. It's amazing how the mind can convince us of things that aren't really true.

The Lord's Time

While at the temple, I was thinking that our time and God's time are very different. What is years in our time is only hours in God's time (or something like that, I'm not sure on the exact conversion but you get my point). As I thought about that, it suddenly hit me that I can do anything for a little while. I'm only on this Earth for a very short period of time in God's time. I want this to end on His terms, not mine. I don't want to get up there after 30 minutes and regret coming so soon. I want to come when Lord says I should come and have no regrets. I don't want to say "Oh, I could have lasted longer, why did I quit".

As Joseph Smith was imprisoned in the Liberty Jail, he wondered if God had forgotten him. Heavenly Father's response was "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment". This scripture reminds us all that everything we go through on this earth is a "small moment" in God's time. We can make it through that "small moment" if we keep an eternal perspective.

Quest for Perfection

Those who know me, know I am a perfectionist. They know that I want to appear perfect (my version of perfect) to everyone. A friend lovingly suggested that pride was a part of that quest for perfection. Her gentle suggestion reminded me of the scripture in Proverbs that says "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall". Pride has been a huge impact on all of my struggles and has caused some of this trial to come upon me. I'm beginning to realize that my quest for perfection is pride because I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to be perfect for my parents, siblings, friends, everyone but our Heavenly Father. I've been served a gigantic piece of humble pie. As I've been reading "Believing Christ" I've also realized that I've been convinced my whole life that I could be perfect on my own. I never would have grasped that without this trial. I needed this trial to humble me and make me realize that it is impossible for me to be perfect on my own. I need the Savior in my life, I need to be humble, I need to repent of my pride and MANY other short comings. I need to have faith in Him and more fully dedicate myself to Him. Granted I've still got a LONG way to go in all this. I can't change overnight but I think recognizing all of this is the first step.

In the last general conference, President Uchtdorf said we need to "see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine". I think I can apply that to others as well as myself. I need to see MYSELF the way Heavenly Father sees me. He knows I am imperfect and yet He continues to love me.

The Savior Understands

One particular night, I needed some time alone. I went to the temple parking lot and sat in my car for a long time. I said lots of prayers and I read scriptures and I cried. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I can get to know my Savior well enough that I can lean on him. He's who will pull me through this. I sat in the car reading the accounts of his last days in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. As I was reading and praying I could feel such peace and calm. One part that really hit me was in Matthew 26:38. It says "Then saith he unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death". Right there it teaches that Christ knows how I feel, he was full of so much sorrow, even unto death. He knows how I feel. The scriptures couldn't make that any more clear. In verse 39, the Savior asks the Lord to let this cup pass from him but says he is willing to do the will of the Lord. It made me realize that if Christ can feel such sorrow, sorrow beyond what I have ever felt, and he can keep going, then I can do it too. He could have ended it all there, He had the power to do so, but he didn't quit. Even after the suffering in the garden was over, His suffering and pain didn't stop. Fortunately I'm not being asked to do the same. That night was really awesome because I felt like I'm one step closer to figuring out how to lean on our Savior during my best times AND during my worst times. I'm still not all the way there, but I'm getting there.

Peace at the Temple

Several months back my friend invited me to join her for the 5:15am temple session. She had been attending the session twice a month and encouraged me to do the same.  At first I thought there was no way I could wake up and be to the temple that early and even if I could I would fall asleep. I decided to give it a go, and honestly I was nervous to be there. I had really been struggling and was afraid I would panic while I was there. However, having a friend to go with gave me the encouragement and support I needed.

As I sat through that early morning session, not only was I more awake than any other session I had been to, but I felt a peace come over me that gave me comfort and pushed away all the things I had been struggling with. For that time in the temple, I was able to step away from all the thoughts that I battle daily, and have a short break from them. What a blessing!!  I know that the temple can provide great peace during the hard times that bipolar can bring into our lives. I'm so grateful I have one so near to my home.

I have gone back to the 5:15 session several times since then and every time I have felt that same peace come over me. The temple is a holy place that can provide relief from the daily temptations and trials we face. What a wonderful blessing temples can be!

Pray Vocally

Some days my thoughts just race. I feel like my head is spinning with a hundred different thoughts at once. One thing I have tried to help calm me down is prayer. It helped some but my mind still raced through the thoughts. During one of these moments I felt impressed to pray out loud. As I followed through on that prompting my thoughts immediately slowed down and I was able to focus on the words I was saying to my Heavenly Father. I felt close to him and knew he was listening. What a blessing prayer can be!

Which Part Is Mine

One of my favorite songs has always been "Which Part is Mine" by Michael McLean. In the song a mother asks the Lord "Which part is mine?". I have wondered that so many times in my life.  How much am I expected to do myself and at what point have I done my best? I have found the best way to get an answer to this question is through prayer. I can't do everything that's why I have a Savior to step in where I can't do it all. The song ends with the mother receiving an answer to her prayers. She can feel the spirit telling her that Heavenly Father has heard her prayers. The song says "After I've done my best, I know you'll do the rest".  When it all comes down to it the prayer and inspiration from the Lord are the best way to know when we've done enough.  We do our best then he'll do the rest!!