Losing Hope

About a month ago my doctor lowered the dosage of one of my medications. We were hoping that would help me no longer need a 2-3 hour nap In the middle of the day. She lowered it on the condition that if some of my other symptoms began to worsen then I would call her. That's when the perfect storm began.

My sleepiness decreased some but shortly after my symptoms worsened. They were mild though and I thought manageable so I never called my doctor. Then a few weeks in a friend shared with me some news that was really hard to take. It had a big impact on all my thoughts. I couldn't quit thinking about that news. That's when the last piece of the perfect storm hit, lack of sleep. My mind was so consumed with this piece of news that I went to bed thinking about it and woke up way too early thinking about it.

After a couple weeks something snapped inside me and I couldn't take it anymore. I lost all hope and my mild symptoms turned into something I could not control. It gave my husband and I a big scare. At that point I lost all hope. I didn't believe that Heavenly Father truly cared anymore. I couldn't understand why He was doing all of this to me. I was angry at His plan for my life. I didn't understand any of it. The anger built up inside me. Eventually I reached a point where I didn't care about anything anymore. I was ready to quit.

After some encouragement and a big scare I finally agreed to call my doctor. After a few days the medication changes started working. That's when I could somewhat see The Lord working in my life to make me understand and see that He really cares and is looking out for me.

I've had a friend who has taken me under her wing. As I shared my story with her she's been such a blessing to help me see that everything will work out. It still won't be the way I want it to be, but it will be ok. I had another friend call me just because she felt like she needed to. After sharing with her she showed up at my door the next day with some delicious fruit. I have another friend who has no idea what is going on in my life. She randomly called me to see if I wanted to go walking with her once a week. Another friend who knew I was struggling called me just to check in on me. Plus I had a chance to talk with my friend who shared the news and that helped immensely. As I look at these friends I realize that all of them are tender mercies from The Lord. I may not like His plan right now, in fact I'm dragging my feet about it, but He is doing his best to show me that He won't leave me alone.

Be Better Today

President Lorenzo Snow once said "Do not expect to become perfect at once. If you do, you will be disappointed. Be better today than you were yesterday, and be better tomorrow than you are today"

I think that should be my new motto. I'm a perfectionist. I always want to be perfect at everything I do. What I'm extra perfect at is beating myself up when I'm not perfect. It's something I'm working on improving and I think the above quote is a great reminder to me that I need to take it one day at a time. Perfection occurs over a lifetime, not in a single day.

The Switch

For over 6 months I went to a psychiatrist. My first visit with him started with a visit with a counselor. The counselor asked me all sorts of questions. Then we (I made my husband come with me) waited while the counselor told the psychiatrist what I had told him. That frustrated both of us because we felt like the psychiatrist should have heard first hand what was going on if he really wanted to help solve the problems. We then visited with the psychiatrist for a few minutes, he changed up my meds then we were done. After that, subsequent visits were always less than 5 minutes. He'd ask a few basic questions, adjust meds if needed then I'd be on my way. The longer it went the more frustrating I became.

A tender mercy came into my life when I attended a Relief Society activity on mental health. The teacher was a nurse practitioner who was also LDS. She really knew her stuff. We eventually discovered that she was moving up to our area to start a new practice. That was still several months away but we weren't sure when.

I was getting more frustrated with my doctor. My good friend started pressuring me to find out when the nurse practitioner was moving up. My friend wouldn't let it go. So finally I started trying to figure that out. It took multiple phone calls to finally hunt her down, but I finally did. And am I ever grateful.

On my first appointment she visited with me for almost an hour. She asked all sorts of questions that gave her an idea of how to help me. It was such a blessing. Since then, our visits have been great I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere. She has changed my meds and they have helped so much. It's been such a huge blessing. I'm so grateful my friend kept pestering me to get in to see her. Recently I found out there is a 2 1/2 month wait for new patients to get in to see her. What a blessing that a didn't wait!

I really think all of this is a tender mercy from the Lord. Through all of this trial I have seen His hand guiding me so many times. I'm so grateful for that!

3 Steps

While meeting with my counselor, I asked her if there were some techniques I could use to redirect negative thoughts. The kind of thoughts that sometimes send me into a downward spiral. She gave me three steps to help work through those thoughts. I think the steps may be helpful to others.

1. Identify the negative thought. Write it down as quickly as you can after it comes into your mind. The quicker you start to resolve the thought, the less likely it is to drag you down. Identify it then write it down. Carry a little notebook around where you can write things down.
2. Challenge the Thought. Ask yourself, is that really true? Check it with reality. Be especially cautious of "mind-reading" (assuming you know what someone else is thinking). If you can't come to a positive resolution on the negative thought, then ask someone else for help thinking it through.
3. Modify the Thought. Fix the problem. Act on the solutions you came up with when you challenged the thought.

Here's an example of using the above method...and yes I'm going to take a mistake from my own life and share it with the world. 

Last year in our primary we took time to spot light a few of the children every Sunday. In Senior primary the kids want it to be a guessing game so I don't say the persons name, I just read about the person. On this particular day it was my turn to conduct. Being so new at my calling I still did't know several of the children. It was the last Sunday of the year and we only had a few names left to do. Well I went right along and did great spotlighting kids/teachers until I got to one of the girls.  About half-way through the primary kids figured out who it was. Her mom (who is her teacher) promptly spoke up and guess what, that girl wasn't there! I had spotlighted her...the very last spotlight of the year...and she wasn't there! It's something I'm sure she had waited for all year and I totally blew it. I felt so bad. I should have verified that she was there. Earlier I asked someone else if she was there and was told her mom was there, I shouldn't have assumed that meant she was there too. I made a mistake and it's been eating at me. So, here's the process my counselor walked me through.

1. Identify the negative thought.  My negative thought was that I had made a big mistake on the spotlight of that girl, that the girl would feel bad, and the mom wasn't happy with me for it. (Do you see the mind reading...I'm good at it)
2. Challenge the thought. Do I really know that the girl's feelings will be hurt? Do I really know that her mom wasn't happy? Did I really make a mistake? I had asked someone else for help. I couldn't answer those questions in a way that made me feel ok. So, I talked it over with my counselor and a friend. They helped me to come up with solutions, such as, ask the mom how she felt about it or redo the spotlight when the girl was there.
3. Modify the thought. In this instance I still think I made a mistake, which I realize is ok. Now though I have the tools to fix it, I can go talk to the mom about it and redo the spotlight if needed.

There's an example of how to use the process. I think it's one that takes LOTS of practice but it's a good process to go through. 

Hold on for the Ride

Today I thought I'd share with you a little example of how all of this bipolar roller coaster feels for me. So, here we go.

Depressed - When I'm down at the bottom it's like the lights are all off, more than just off -- it's pitch black. This deep, dark feeling comes over me and life feels worthless. I feel in total despair. It's a feeling that aches inside. It's a feeling that I want to get rid of but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to do it. I cling on to anyone or anything that I think might pull me out. Sometimes I feel like I wear people out with how much I turn to them for help. Everything in my life seems negative, I feel like a complete pessimist. It's a hard stage to be in and  hard to explain to others. It's so much worse than just a bad day and it seems like it will never end.

Normal - During the "normal" times it feels like the lights are on. Going from depression to normal feels like a ray of sunshine has come into my life. I feel joy and happiness. Laughter comes easy. I love to play with my boys and tease them. I am full of HOPE! The despair and darkness are gone. It's an incredibly wonderful, peaceful feeling. It's a welcome relief from the depressing feelings. Life is worth living! I can actually write a post like this because I can see life as wonderful.

Hypomanic - Honestly, this is my FAVORITE mood. It's like I'm at a dance party with the music blasting, the lights spinning, everybody dancing. It's great and it can go on for days and I don't get tired. I LOVE it! When I'm down I think back on those hypomanic times and wish they would come back. I feel like I can do anything. I can solve the world's problems. Right now as I type this I still wonder what's so bad about the hypomanic phase. Yeah I feel a little out of control, but it's fun! Shopping is fun (which is incredible because I really don't like going shopping). I work on cool house projects and get TONS done. The problem is, from the view of my husband, it causes the depression to kick in. But oh it feels great!

Out of Love

It seems to me that I'm being reminded a lot that "we're doing this out of love". I think it's a phrase I need to learn to accept. I'm pushed a little harder to take new medications....out of love. I'm encouraged to keep going...out of love. I'm persuaded to talk to my doctor...again...out of love. So many things have happened that all remind me how much others love me and care. Yes, there are some days that I think the last reason someone is pushing me along is out of love. How could someone who loves me encourage me to do something that seems near impossible? How could they encourage me to do something when they don't understand how I feel at all. But in reality, when I step back and look, they are truly cheering me on. They can see things from a different point of view. They love me and know what I can become and they know I can conquer this. I just need to remember that it's all out of love. I need to be patient when my friend reminds me to fight back. I need to be patient when my doctor suggests a new medication to try. I need to be patient when my husband asks how I'm really doing then gives me the look because he already knows. They aren't conspiring against me...even though some days it really feels like it...in reality they love me and they want to help me.

I think our Heavenly Father is the same way. Everything He does for us is out of love. Everything He expects of us is out of love. He sees who we can become. He knows where we have been and He knows where we are going. He knows our potential. He understands how we feel and yet he still sees our potential. He loves us so much that He gives us trials, to help us grow and...because He loves us!

Tender Mercies

A couple months ago, I gave a talk on mercy, specifically on the tender mercies of the Lord in our lives. We were short on time so I wasn't able to share one part of my talk. The part I wasn't able to share is how tender mercies play a role in our trials. I really believe that one of the times we will see the largest amount of tender mercies in our lives is during our trials. Looking for tender mercies during our trials can buoy us up and help us through the refiner's fire.

Elder Bednar, in a talk called "The Tender Mercies of the Lord", said

"The Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility, invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings."

I believe that tender mercies that come during our trials are not a coincidence at all. The fact that I was able to find a better doctor because of a meeting I went to was not a coincidence. It was not a coincidence that I have received phone calls at critical moments of this trial. That texts have come when I've needed them most. That one of my boys has given me a hug without knowing that I really needed one. Tender mercies are all around us!

During one particular difficult night, I woke in the middle of the night with this trial heavy on my mind. As I struggled through I finally climbed out of bed and knelt down. I offered up to Heavenly Father the most fervent prayer of my life. As I did so, I immediately felt peace overcome me. Enough peace to help me through the night. He didn't fix my trial, but he provided me comfort to make my load a little easier. The Lord's timing in that experience showed me that this was a tender mercy sent from the Lord.

It can be so hard to look around us during our trials and see how much the Lord is lifting us up and supporting us. However, if we take the time to do so, our burdens will be lighter. I am so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord in my life. Noticing those tender mercies has made my burden lighter.